Wednesday, December 22, 2010

a drop of water forms
by a joining of lesser parts
and so they become one
a single flowing whole

the synergy of all events
is little different

a song is formed
by a joining of lesser parts
and so they become one
a single flowing whole

the synergy of all events
is little different

a life is formed
by a joining of lesser parts
and so they become one
a single flowing whole

the synergy of all events
is little different

now is not formed
by a joining of lesser parts
it has always been one
a still and single whole

now is not an event
it is a little different

Thursday, September 23, 2010

as a wheel
as a mill stone
as a spinning rope
as a top
as a whirlpool

roll over
grind down
twist apart
bounce away
draw in

Friday, September 17, 2010

In the lore of vedic culture stance training plays key roles in the attainment of powers and gifts from the gods. In a nutshell the actor maintains a stance as long as possible.

This is much like taiji, where in some traditions holding the postures for a long duration is a vital part of training.

A combination of postures has proven very useful to me including from the 108 Karanas of Lord Shiva, various postures and positions from Capoeira, various postures and stretches of Yoga, and of course postures from taijiquan.

As for the spirit, it is not distinct from the body in regard to development and perhaps there are changes that do occur, which should not be spoken of, because to speak of something that others have not experienced does no good for anyone. Expectations should be eliminated or the spirit will not develop properly.

In this way mental posture plays a role in this training as well. A person should remain in focus and not wander with their body, or their mind. Instead they should link the two and focus on their whole being, let thought and posture be as one wordless thing.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

concise set introduction

taiji set names, called the concise set:

  1. Heaven and Earth unite
  2. Moon and Sun sweep sky
  3. Wind brings Thunder
  4. River rides the Mountain
  5. Heaven holds all things
  6. A storm of out the Earth
The pattern is as such, the first four moves are based upon 8 principals, the next two use those same principals, but in new combination, an example of how the principals are put into effect. In addition to this, the concise set has application and weapons aspects and different variations to allow focus on different ways of expressing the movements and methods.

The whole thing is 6 breaths, however it is a mirror form, meaning it is not done once, but twice at least, once on each side, and it cycles so it can be done for an indefinite period of time.

Each of the 6 parts has two parts, which create 12 motions used for training the skills of the set, each of the 6 parts also has specific footwork.

The set is also done slow and fast, slow it takes as long as it takes, fast it takes a few seconds at most. The fast cannot be learned without the slow though.

The concise set is something I made for myself, to allow me to focus on the skills I want.
It does not replace or conflict with any other form or method or systematic patterning, but goes with them well and is based on effective material, so it combines well with any martial art. It is a great way for a hard stylist to get an introduction to the taiji principals and methods, largely because it is concise and easily demonstrated with clear principals.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

A fool trusts skill he can see
the wise trust skill they can feel

the appearances of things is not the internal way

the crouching cat is superficial
it is external

the internal is as a cat which does not crouch
and yet pounces
It can be funny how much emphasis is placed on the superficial,
by those who claim to practice the internal.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Parable of Master & Talents (of the students)

A great martial artist went to travel the world and before he left he recorded and demonstrated all he knew for his three pupils.

As he departed he instructed his students:
"practice and study these things until my return"

And so the teacher traveled a great many years, until finally he returned.
He then summoned his students and began to test them.

His first student had not only great skill, having studied the teachings for years he had created a great many innovations upon their foundation.

His second student also had great skill, for he had innovated several subtle distinctions pertaining to the teachings.

His third student also had great skill and presented the teachings of his master perfectly.

The teacher then spoke to his students:

"My first pupil, having studied and practiced the teachings I gave you so many years ago you have taken them and built upon them, not only understanding them, but making them your own. I name you as my successor, for your skill has exceeded my own as is the hope of every good teacher for his students."

And saying this he struck at his first student,
who easily moved out of the way.

"My second pupil, having practiced and studied what I have taught you, you have mastered it well and explored many subtleties upon your own, there is no more I can teach you, I confer to you the title of master instructor. Your skill has come to match my own."

And saying this he struck at his second student,
who neutralized the attack without difficulty.

"My third pupil, though having mastered all I have shown you, not one innovation have you made, not one realization have you employed beyond my teachings."

And saying this he struck at his third student,
who then died instantly.

Monday, April 12, 2010

two short tales

A man sought to learn to play a flute he was given by his greatest friend, he bought a book which showed him where to put his fingers and how to blow through the flute and so he did it a few times and found he was not very good at it, and so he threw his book and flute away.

Another man happened upon the book and flute. He picked them up and read of how to learn to play the flute, and practicing every day he became a great master of the instrument.

A man found a teacher, who taught him all he needed to know, but he doubted the teachings and moved on.
He met another teacher, who again taught him all he needed to know, but he did not practice the teachings and so he moved on.
He met another teacher, who one again taught him all he needed to know, and then made the man practice it by sitting there with him while he did it.
The man exclaimed, "At last I have found the right teaching"
And the teacher doubting the man, moved on.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

take your time

Sometimes when we are eager to practice or play we build and reinforce bad habits because we do not take enough time to learn what we are trying to do step by step.

Often people who 'get it' don't, because they do. They accept their ability to imitate and understand a move as having learned a move, method or technique, nothing could be further from the truth.

At a class I was at not long ago a highly skilled guest instructor stopped the physical lessons for a few moments and related to us that sometimes very simple moves can take years of practice to get right. He related that just because you were able to do something in class when a teacher shows it to you, doesn't mean you can do it well.

The move has to become part of you, so why be hasty? Why rush into things with sloppy methods and bad habits? People who brag about how they can do difficult things can seldom do simple things right for some reason.

Once you begin to practice, you get better at what you practice, if you practice mistakes and bad habits, they won't go away over time, you will just get better at doing things the sloppy way. That is nothing to be proud of.

Take your time, practice everything step by step and go slow enough to get it right.
This method takes patience, but good things come to those who wait.

That guy who rushes into things and thinks he is so good because he can do advanced moves while he is a beginner, that guy who seems to "get it" quickly, he isn't who you want to be. You aren't meant to "get it" you are meant to practice it, then you will get it over time, and what you will get is Kung-fu.

(from wikipedia)
In its original meaning, kung fu can refer to any skill. Gōngfu (功夫) is a compound of two words, combining (gōng) meaning "achievement" or "merit", and (fū) which translates into "man", so that a literal rendering would be "human achievement". Its connotation is that of an accomplishment arrived at by great effort.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

This is actually a post of mine for a discussion forum, but I thought I might share it with you.

Taijiquan, it comes in so many flavors and colors.

How much of this is the superficial? How much of this is the internal?

Luchan displayed different forms than Chen style, though my understanding is that he was above average intelligence. However, and more to my point, the forms of lines of transmission that come from students of his, differ in each and every case to some degree or another. Thus we have today several so called "styles" that can be traced back to Yang Luchan through his sons or students.

It occurs to me that the expressiveness of the form work centers around the postures as a theme and that the forms as we know them in orthodoxy are questionable as to their veracity regarding historical authenticity and accuracy, particularly if personalizing and individually manifesting the form or techniques is an authentic transmission.

It seems that standardized forms are for group classes, allowing the class to have a line dance approach to form work, allowing potentially thousands to participate at once, although class sizes tend to be smaller.

But another method seems to be teacher to student transmissions that are of a one on one nature and are not made in a one size fits all manner. It seems that sometimes this type of one on one transmission took place and forms were altered or even created for a single student, who later teaches that form as a by the numbers piece to a large group of people. This approach is still difficult, so the form was modeled to be challenging enough to allow progressive benefits but easy enough to learn to do without years of special conditioning.

With the one on one approach, years of special conditioning is rather typical. However with the group approach this is not practical to do in the same detail and so a one size fits all approach becomes more ideal.
This group approach is public, ergo the very fitting title of public form.

However I was told that every time I lift my leg and step a certain way in the public form, that it hides or has or holds a kick, and I was also told that there are other simplified reduced moves in the public form. When I do a form and insert these kicks and motions in a more complete manner, two things stand out immediately, the first is that conditioning is required, the second is that each move needs to be down perfectly or it won't flow properly, thus the moves must be learned not as a sequence, but as postures.

Finding someone capable or willing to study in the one on one and step by step manner should be very difficult. The type of student who does well in the class may not do well one on one, and the type of person who does well one on one might not do well in a class.

I believe that this teaching issue has as much as anything to do with why there are millions of people who practice, but what seems like less than one hundred masters alive today.

Conveyor belt approaches lead to a uniform product that has the right shape but lacks the fine craftsmanship of a custom piece.

Custom work alone produces works of art.
It is as true for the sword, as it is for the martial artist.

Friday, March 19, 2010


I've been making a formal review of the basics by watching how they are done by the advanced players of various martial arts, including Taijiquan and Capoeira, which are two parts of the martial art I practice.

I have found some interesting things.
Masters have the basics down perfect, but basically nobody else does. I don't mean master as a formal title, but to note that often senior students are better at their advanced moves than their basics, this is highly unfortunate.

Many newer students can do some advanced moves, but they don't feel at home with the basics. Essentially the simple basic moves should be second nature, they should be effortless and reflexive.

Many students do not perfect their basic moves before moving on to advanced moves. To them the basics are too boring or simple to be worth it.

Let me share with you however that the most advanced moves in martial arts are all basic moves, what makes them advanced is the skill they are employed with.

Lets face it, you aren't going to learn the basics by working on the hard stuff. But honestly, the hard stuff comes with much less effort if the basics are mastered, and I mean mastered; first.

Don't do things with a sloppy feeling, thinking you will get better, often you will only build a bad habit that will not fix itself. If you approach the systems with patience and work on the basics and get them down, the rewards will speak for themselves.

The idea is that the basic moves are a foundation. The better your foundation, the better everything that is built on it is. The more time and work you put into this foundation, the stronger your structure is going to be in the end. However if you skip the foundation and work on the upper stories, then one day you will have to go back down to the basement and fix your foundation, because a strong game in Push Hands (San Shou) or in the Roda comes from having your basics down strong.

I am not even going to go into all that Ginga and Grasp sparrows 'tale' teach, needless to say all of the advanced skills flow from the conditioning of the basic foundations of Capoeira and Taijiquan. Still I am a beginner, so don't take my word for it, go ask your teacher. But if you like friendly contests without animosity, then please come and test your skill and provide me with a lesson.

Friendly Challenges are welcome from players with the same number of years of experience as I. I am a 3 year taijiquan student and a couple of months into Capoeira training.

I am also going to suggest that the skill of a person can be measured by how they perform the basics, and not just the advanced material. If you can't do the basics, then no amount of working harder moves is going to allow you to reach mastery of self or the art you practice.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


My inheritance is found
between Heaven and Earth.

My Taijiquan is not Chinese.
My Capoeira is not Brazilian.
My Natya Yoga is not Indian.
I am not a nationalist,

To be an artist, one makes art
This cannot be done if it is not your own

I am not a traditionalist
I am not preserving culture
I am not concerned with historical accuracy.

I am a child of a new world
That old worlds become
as borders dissolve

A child of Slave and Master
of mixed caste and class

I am a crossroad
I am continents joined
I am a planet united

The identity of mankind
either frail through division
or perfected through unity

the choice is clear enough

It has been said that masters are few
yet systems are common
Systems are but the creation of masters
yet seldom are masters the creation of systems

for the true master innovates
forming themselves anew from the ways of the old
as much new as old
if they try to let the system make them, they fail
mastery is not had by a conveyor belt
no one method works for all people
to obtain mastery one must master self,
self is but identity

The students all try to imitate each other imitating the masters.
The masters imitate none.
the truth of things is clear enough
many people expect the system to do the work for them
but mastery of a system does not result in self mastery
this is the inevitable result for those who do not make the art their own
Skill is not the same as mastery

perfect imitation is still not the same as doing
how many people fail for not having known this?

The student is like a hungry man,
a technique is like a fish
one can give him the fish
and so one can give him the technique
but he will hunger after another
and depend upon being fed
but what of teaching the student to fish?
Teach him the origin of technique
and he will learn to feed himself
this is the difference of mastery
the master does not master technique
it is the source of technique that must be mastered
the source is not a system or a method
look inside yourself to find it

Why does a student practice?
Why does a master practice?

I am already who I am.
I am not learning to become Brazilian
I am not learning to become Chinese.
I am not a nationalist

I take the art and make it my own
bit by bit,
day by day

I do not pretend to improve the art
only myself
bit by bit,
day by day.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Capoeira is rather unique among martial arts, for it is not an art born of war or battle, but rather has its roots in survival in the face of oppression.

It is a martial art for the Slave, not for the warrior.

The warrior has a choice, the Slave has none.
The warrior lives free, the Slave is bonded to society.
The warrior goes where he chooses, the Slave must obtain permits and papers.
The warrior trains all day and works on the battlefield.
The Slave works for most of their waking day and is thus given no time to train.
The warrior is the law, the Slave must obey the law or be punished.
A warrior lives and dies by battle for that is their work.
A Slave lives and dies by work for that is their battle.
A warrior fights for a code, for glory.
A Slave fights to endure, to live, to exist.
A warrior wears his weapons proudly.
A Slave must protect themselves with whatever they can.
A warrior boasts of his power and skill.
A Slave must conceal his skills.
A warrior fights for the love of fighting.
A Slave fights to prevent violence from taking their life.
A warrior seeks battle by being prepared for it.
A Slave seeks to avoid battle by being prepared for it

The warrior is used to keep Slaves in Slavery.
Slaves are used to keep warriors fed and clothed.

Warriors: Capoeira is not for you.
It is only dancing, it is not fit for battle.
It keeps the Slaves fit, it lets them smile.
Warriors are not dancers.
Warriors are not slaves.

And I am no warrior.

What do they say?
They say "here I am"
They say "there you are"
They say "look at me"
They say "look at you"

But if the tree does not respond to the wind
then the tree breaks
it is as if the wind says
"how are you"
and the tree says nothing
because it is broken
but the tree that sways responds
"I am fine, thanks for asking"

The devil was the wind
and the slaves had to sway
The devil angry, that he could not break them said
"your motion is too free"
and the slaves replied
"how can that be? we are only dancing"

Oh ginga, only dancing
only dancing so they say
while the wind would break their spirits
if their spirits did not sway

My spirit keeps swaying
even when the body stops
and the world says to me
"your mind is too free"
And I respond
"it is only dancing"

It is only dancing.
And the music never stops.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The four:

Voidness and fullness
Softness and hardness
Building up and tearing down
Filling and emptying.

There is none but these,
these are the essence of action
and so are the essence of neutralization

These four are also:


As that each is a pair we style them as eight
but they are no more eight than they are one
one that is composed to two parts, null and void

These eight energies have a source undifferentiated
it is styled: the Mother of Yin and Yang
But as undifferentiated-ness itself, what name can it bear?
It is all things and so it great
It is without limit and so is ultimate
and so it is styled: Taiji
It is the way of all things
And so it is styled: Tao

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

My taiji is not like all others that bear the same name.
Many use the terms and the name, but are far from what I know as taijiquan.
My taijiquan is not mine, but I make it my own through my use and introspection.

Taiji consists of eight fundamental energies, however mine has ten energies.
I will share my present formulation of the eight energies of taijiquan. Please forgive that it is not the same as the one you may know and love. It contains elements of classical taijiquan, but also contains older elements and aspects. You will note that after the first foundational energy, that each section consists of pairs of energies, each with aspects, attributes, martial technique and a poetic expression pertaining to the nature of the energy and the Bagua. One of the attributions you will note is a Guardian of the 8 directions that comes from Vedic works. I dedicate this to the Lord who may by known only by nature:

Ashttamoorti: the 8 faced
Sookshamatanu: subtle bodied
Satvika: soft natured
Paramatma: the ultimate
Jagadvyapi: pervades the universe
Sthanu: immovable
Shashvata: eternal
Sahastrapati: having a thousand forms
Ananta: infinite

10 energies of taiji
The first energy is not counted, because of what it is; it is Wuji.
And so it starts us off with the number Zero. If our eight energies are the eight directions of the compass circle, then the first energy, the energy of Zero is the undifferentiated point at the center of the circle.

0 original stillness, undifferentiated as the beginning
Lord Vishnu as undifferentiated foundation or a source without origin or end.

All of the basic 10 exist as paired energies, being reciprocal and part of each other, each set consists of two energies that exist as unified dualities.

Set A, the wave itself, unified duality of the void and full:

1 Wave swells
Mortality, the front of a wave that is like a balloon filled with energy, full.
Yama, lord of the afterlife death, what lives will die. South. Growth.

The martial technique is to ward off, to use the floating part of the wave.

The tree swells slowly up towards heaven.

2 Wave fades
Immortality, the return or fall of the wave to neutrality, void
Kubara, lord of shadows, immortal void. North. Decay.

The martial technique is to roll back, to use the falling part of the wave.

The tree falls and returns to the earth.

Set B, Fluid and Solid, unified duality of wave properties.
These are the aspects of physicality, mass and energy.
3 wave fluidity
the nature of fluidity, which is a wave transmitting or traveling through, like two magnets coming together (+ to -) or reverse.
Varuna, Lord of fluid nature. West. Softness

The martial technique is to transmit into and through using a wave, using the wave like a fluid interaction.

The wave ripples through the water, pressing along.

4 wave solidity
the nature of solidity, which is a wave arriving and impacting, like two magnets pushing apart, (- to -) or (+ to +)
Indra, Wielder of solidity: Vajra his weapon is the name of diamond. East. Hardness

The martial technique is use the wave like a solid pushing (meeting resistance) into the object. Using the wave like an object interaction.

Fire arises where energy meets resistance.

Set C, Assembly and dis-assembly, the duality of gathering and disbursing.
These are the aspects of resonance (misunderstood as creation)
and dissonance (misunderstood as destruction) .
5 wave converging
The addition of energies into a larger unity which changes the direction of the original wave
Vayu, Lord of wind. Northwest. Creation,

The martial technique is to add to a wave using another one, to pluck it like wind moving a falling leaf, controlling it.

The wind sweeps the clouds along.

6 wave disbursing
The separation of energies into divided parts, like a wave breaking into smaller parts though dissonant properties in it
Angi, lord of fire, fire disburses what it consumes. Southeast, Destruction.

The martial technique is to use the wave to break apart a wave or object, breaking, splitting, snapping, tearing twisting.

The lightning shatters the tree as the thunder roars.

Set D, Absorbing and releasing, duality of reception and emission,
These are the aspects of absorption of energy and release of energy.
7 wave containing, enveloping
A wave overtaking and capturing another wave by following it so that the original wave is led along by adding to it.
Soma, Moon, the moon receives the energy of the sun and reflects it as it's own, Northeast. Reflection (not deflection)

The martial technique is to use the wave to follow another wave and thus lead it by following it, enveloping it, using it as ones own energy.

The valley forms as the earth absorbs it, a lake forms.

8 wave releasing
a wave is released out of and into
Surya, the Sun, releases energy constantly. Southwest, Emission.

The martial technique is to release a wave, letting it separate from you, but not disbursing or breaking apart but rather issuing/launching.

The mountain arises, released by the earth.

Set E, Duality of consciousness as undifferentiated with thought as differentiated.
These are the aspects of mind being and functioning.
9 attained stillness, undifferentiated at the end
Vishnu as both foundation and return, Lord of return to undifferentiated-ness. Down. Inside part of circle. Taiji. Perception/consciousness (undivided)

The martial technique is be of neutral mind, not with intent of ones own, this allows the use of the main 8 energies.

10 reciprocity, application and manifestation as system
Brahma, Lord of focused consciousness, breath and word, the comprehension and use of information. Up... realization of. (outside part of circle) (recognition/correlation)

The martial technique is to be of an alert mind, recognizing the energy of the other through keen focus, being acutely aware of the other person.

Make of it what you will.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


How many martial artists seek nothing more than power over others?

How many seek power over themselves?

How many who have power over others, have no power over themselves?

And yet who, having power over themselves, lacks power over others?

Many people sell their art on the idea of what you can do to others with it. They measure success in martial arts upon the ability of a person to have power over others, typically in a physical sense, but sometimes more than that. For many martial arts teachers the main concern is conflict.

But I am here to share that the person who has power over others, and none over himself, is weak.
The person who has power over himself, who has no power over others, is strong.

The weak look for ways to learn to defeat others.
The strong look for ways to learn to defeat themselves.

Monday, January 4, 2010

A bit of the autobiographical

I went for a walk one cold winter morning. I had been at my friend Todds house drinking and playing cards. I was very hung over and chose to go for a walk with Todd's brother Tony, we were going to the coffee shop just about a mile from Todds house.

I had been interested in martial arts for much of my life. What few drawings I had from my childhood were mostly the Hollywood ninja, black clad chunky figures with ridiculous looking approximations of knives and knunchukka, topped off with an obligatory Rambo headband. At one point when I was six or seven my mother took me to a few classes of some martial art I did not understand at all. The teacher told us about killing people in bar fights and made us do a lot of push-ups. He spoke about pressure points around the head and using yelling outbreaths to increase power. I was disturbed by the class, as enthusiastic as I was about the Hollywood ninja, for some reason my drawings just had them, no corpses or disfigurement, no maimed opponents lying in a crumpled ruined heaps. I suppose I did not want to defeat or kill, I just wanted to be good at something, that something being martial arts. I didn't go to that class I mentioned more than a couple of times, the focus it had was clearly not the focus I had. The hard work I did not mind, I loved it, but the mentality of the teacher, his eagerness about violence, was something I could not stand.

I did not have another class in martial arts for years, instead I practiced the basics I had been shown and read every book I could get my growing hands on, that pertained to the subject. In no time at all the basics of karate were things I could refer to, even demonstrate poorly. In addition to this as a child I moved often, living in numerous houses in a handful of states and going to a handful of schools, all before the age of 12. Looking back I have moved dozens of times in my life, largely with my parents when I was young. I have a syndrome called Aspergers, though I did not know this when I was young. It amounts to mental functional difference, essentially a mild form of autism that is marked by increased social difficulties. In the various schools and churches and homes I lived in, I certainly had difficulties. I had no problem attacking a bully, but often this would result in myself getting beaten. Other times I attacked and hurt other children who were attacking or insulting me. I fought hundreds of times as a child.

At some point I embraced the religion of my parents, seeking to find solace in Christianity. Try as I did to believe in Jesus, I could not. I stayed up late into the night praying over and over and found nothing. I pretended to believe, thinking that if I did this I would eventually know it to be true. My behavior however did not improve and I fought numerous times, typically being attacked by a specific bully in my Church group. He would run up behind me and hit his heavy books into my head when I was waiting for the bus, and once he pulled some sort of gun on me and I insulted him for needing it and he left. At some point I took a few week course in kempo karate, learning only the basic kicks, blocks, punches, combining them all with footwork and then two basic katas. At this point I was about 13. I had a younger brother and we did not often get along either, so we fought many times, but seldom with the violence and hate that was so common on playgrounds in the fours states I lived in as a child. I am no stranger to violence. Even my father lost his temper with me and stuck me and threw me across the room by my arm. I have an old shoulder injury that I forget how it occurred, but it was likely that he threw me across the room when I was 6 or 7 because I was verbally antagonizing him. He never kicked the shit out of me, but he had no problem using violence and verbal threats against me either. Little did I know his temper was my inheritance.

However it all changed when I was at the Salt Lake City public library when I was about 12. I found several books by Hatsumei, being exposed for the first time to ninjutsu that was not of Hollywood. I found his works illuminating and spiritual, of a nature that combined the will to live and protect ones self from harm with a will to promote peace and personal attainment of a type that is not about power over others. I realized that nature was my religion, my source, and my purpose. This was also at a time when the incoherent aspects of my parents religion were becoming very hard to ignore. I began to look at many religions, via a book bought for me by my parents, and found that buddhism and taoism were more coherent for me than the other religions I had access too. In addition I studied the occult and mythology, examining the claims of every belief system I could find. I found that what Hatsumei had touched upon, our oneness with nature and zen, was the most coherent thing I could find. Little did I know I had found Tao, which never hides.

Conflicts grew more severe as I grew up, not just mine but those around me. Teenagers are remarkably violent creatures, especially religious teenagers and I was right in the middle of a christian community. Everything was about violence, the religion was about a war between good and evil, the TV was about violence, the news was about violence. Violence occurred in church, in school, in books, in scriptures, in our imaginations, everywhere. This was how god solved his problems, he sent death or people to deal it. This is how the good guy in the movie saved the world, through violence. It is even how Jesus threw money exchangers out of the temple. Violence was inescapable, I was frequently involved in it, and I hated it.

At some point this peaked, I got into a verbal altercation with another person, in a church. I had been jumping rope, using a denim jacket, in a church hallway and our youth leader came over to tell me to stop, backed up with his entourage of friends. he told me I could not do that in a church, but to do it in the "cultural hall" which is basketball court that is at the heart of every LDS church. I asked him if that meant the cultural hall was not part of the church, to which he replied that I was being a smart ass. Several of the people behind him started telling him to kick my ass. I chose to leave. I had been at the church to earn a wood carving boyscout merit badge. My friend and I walked out the back door of the church and began talking. The guy who had been the primary one egging on the youth leader to beat me up was my next door neighbor. My friend said someone should stab him, I told him that to do such a thing was so ugly that you would never want to do it, that no person deserved that. Our conversation took us from the back door of the church and around the church through the parking lot and out to the front. As we came around to the front, another boy, one I did not know well, came up to me arms raised and yelling at me that he was going to kick my ass. Apparently when I left, the other boys went into the cultural hall where he was and were saying that someone should beat me up for being a smart ass. And apparently he rose to the call. When he approached me I felt threatened, he was yelling and his body told me he wanted to fight.

I took the wood carving pocketknife out of my pocket. I opened the blade and kept walking away trying to leave, he would not let me leave. I turned around and hit him hard in the stomach with the knife blade in my hand. I was not thinking, only acting. I withdrew the blade faster than I had sent it, nobody had seen what had happened. I screamed loudly to call 911. The guy muttered that I stabbed him and fell over in the gutter. I waved the knife in front of myself to protect me from the same group which had called him to fight me. When adults showed up I shattered the knife on the ground in frustration and rage at myself. I knew I had done great wrong and felt very angry at myself for not avoiding it.

I went with some adults, letting the police know where I would be, to my parents house to tell them what I had done. I was shortly handcuffed and taken to the police station where I was interrogated until about 2 am, the interrogation was only me and the police, I was underage, and it took 6 hours at least. I was then taken to the youth lock up facility in the county. I did not sleep and made the decision that if the person I had stabbed died, then I would take my own life. I realized then what a fool I had been in regards to religion, that pretending that it was true so that I would then condition myself to believe did not work for me the way it did for others. I no longer cared what church policy was, it became obsolete. What I said I believed did not matter anymore, only honesty did. In all honesty I had likely killed another living human being and I could not live with that, praying for forgiveness became a joke.

The surgery that saved his life took more than 12 hours. I was told the knife hit at least 3 major organs, each one of which was a fatal cut, and nicked an artery. I was not eating or sleeping. I was getting out of the ordinary visits from some man who was a member of our church, I don't know who he was, but he asked if there was anything he could get me, and I asked for paper to do origami with. I have enjoyed folding paper since I found a book on it from the library when I was 6 or so. Eventually it was this man who let me know that the other boy was in serious yet stable condition. After many days I got out and into the court system. The police charged me with attempted murder, the boy would not testify against me. Charges were dropped to aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, but no witnesses would speak and the church paid for my attorney who flew in from out of state for my case. He reminded the judge of the oath of office, and then filed for a plea in abeyance with a period of house arrest.

And yet it is winter Tony and I are walking to get coffee, and I am hungover. At this point it is over ten years after the stabbing event. I had begun to trust myself with weapons and had been doing stance work with wooden swords and began to study Michuan swordsmanship, but had reached a problem. You see: I had no taiji experience. As I studied Michuan sword I realized that the system was coherent and based on the 8 energies of taiji. Problem was I had no understanding of these energies. So I was aware that the next step that I needed was to find a taiji teacher, but one I could afford and believe me that is a big deal for those who are in poverty. I had essentially given up on finding a good teacher and had not thought about it for some time when I found myself walking on a cold winter morning past a downtown courthouse with a nice courtyard like area in front of it. In a kind of greenishblue coat a man was moving slowly. It scarcely caught my attention but Tony, who had studied taiji with a man in the Portland area, insisted that we go over and watch this man.

So we ambled over, myself still very much hungover, dizzy and slightly intoxicated from drinking during the previous night. The man promptly stopped what he was doing and asked if we were there for the Taiji class. Evidently he was part of a free weekend class that had been going on for many years in the area. While not a master the man had done taiji for about 30 years and did it to maintain his health. My friend worked on the form with him, but I sat down and watched. I explained that I was too hungover to participate that day, but that I was interested and I would return the next weekend. And I did, over and over for about a year. I also started doing push hands after a while too. I was struck by the relationship of taiji to the tao. It was as if the taodejing was written for this system. More than that I had an introduction to the energies, at first they felt very strange and then at some point they started making perfect sense. The taiji classics made sense too, given the transmissions I received from my teacher. And above all he abhorred violence, as do I. This art was one that was deadly and yet could be gentle, it had total control and was about total control. It was overcoming motion through stillness and not fighting the way of things. It was brilliant and perfect and I could use it for what I wanted, health or martial art or both.

Since I have begun training in taijiquan about three years ago, I have developed skills that I was not aware of existing. This includes thinking skills, and physical skills. I have much to learn, and so much to practice. But have found the martial path that I love, one of tao, of a lack of differentiation. This lack of differentiation is the mental skill I did not know existed, it is also a physical skill I did not know existed.

I have had exposure to other arts since then. I currently practice Taijiquan via a special form (my own revised version of Yang style 13 postures, this will be demonstrated soon enough) and push hands. I also practice capoeira but have only weeks of experience in that. I have also had some basic training in Wing Chun, oriented around the first form and the footwork. My own martial arts style is highly personal but based entirely upon the energies of taijiquan.

The line of transmission(sic): (verified with documents and photographs proving it)
Yang Lu Chan--Yang Jiann Hau--Yang Ching Fu--Chan Wei Ming--Leung King Yu (Father) -- Alwin Leung-- Art Barret-- Josh Young
But I am no teacher or master.
Just a guy who likes taiji, and who detests violence because I know it all too well.

However should I list all my teachers then the list is rather long.
I accept the universe as my training hall, and all within it as invaluable resources.